it's almost 2011 and I'm feeling reflective.

Well, it's my 7th Christmas Vacation day off of work and I am finally getting around to updating the old blog. I was inspired by the lovely words of Candis and decided to steal her letter reflection idea. Not that I have much of a letter to write but definitely some thoughts that have been swirling around today, many of which have been brewing over the past weeks and months of 2010. It's amazing how God is working inside you even when you think he's all but disappeared from your life. But then you finally give him some time to speak and he does just that.

Justin and I were talking today about the past year, it's been the most tumultuous yet. 2009 was in some ways a preparation for 2010 and I'm so thankful we had that quiet time last year in Columbus to prepare ourselves.

In 2010 we lived in my parent’s basement for 8 months, searched for a condo, welcomed new jobs, a new city, new friends, a new way of life. Then we did it again when we finally found our home in Chicago, we moved again in May, Justin got another new job, we made some more new friends, explored the city from another new angle and attempted the unforeseen monumental task of rehabbing. We spent the summer learning new things; how to put up crown molding, lay bathroom tile, put up new door frames, paint, caulk, be an electrician, be a carpenter, be an interior designer, be a condo association member. We trained for our second half marathon and got to experience the beauty of Chicago from it's amazing bike trails and parks. We celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary in Door County Wisconsin with the butterflies, sheep, melty chocolate chip cookies, horses, homemade breakfast, goldenrod, coffee, books, campsites, deer, rocky shorelines, ferries and fun. We've searched for a whole year for a church home; visting Harvest, Moody, First Free, Missio Dei, City Vineyard, Evanston Vineyard and Soul City. This task will be left unfinished in 2010...

And over the past 4 days I've been coming down from the Holiday High. Sustaining myself on leftover cookies, cakes, candies and fatty holiday leftovers.... laying around on the couch, watching old tivo-ed reruns of 'The Office'... taking part in the consumerism of America by exchanging gifts and consuming consuming consuming... all while searching for something more.

Where am I going next? My desires for life and passions have been driving me crazy lately and I've found myself lost within them all, striving to figure out the 'next' big thing or my future goals and wishes. All of this 'figuring out' and holiday excess has left me exhausted, depleted, hopeless and hungover. Only today, as I begged Justin to take me to 'Hot Dougs' for one last Holiday junkfood splurge were we finally thwarted by its very convenient holiday closure!

Instead we walked to the coffee shop where I found myself finally able to put into words the frustrations I've been feeling: 'Where to next?' And that is where God so kindly and gently reminded me that I'm not the one that's supposed to be figuring all that out in the first place!

The pure exhaustion I've been feeling is most likely from attempting to figure it all out on my own. So this is how I got to where I am on New Years Eve 2010... God will lead me to where I'm going if I simply let him... slow down on seeking for it yourself, God knows the desires of your heart, God knows your fears, your hopes, your dreams. He knows you need a creative outlet, he knows your passions for music, for art, for dance, for design, for family, for friends, for a church to call your own and a community to surround you. He's gotten you to where you are and he will get you to where you are going. It's time to trust him (again) and most of all time to get it all off your back and give it to the only one who can handle it all (with his feet up!).

Sometimes I think it's crazy that I must keep relearning this simple and fundamental principle over and over again in my life but then I am reminded that this is just the journey, and I am thankful that I have a God who's that big and willing to shower me with such undeserving grace. This past year during all the train time spent commuting I finally had the pleasure of reading 'Redeeming Love' by Francine Rivers... and was once again confronted with God's resilient love for our rebellious hearts and cheating minds. He always welcomes us back with open arms and a smile on his face, ready to meet us exactly where we are and love us for who we are at that very moment. And then I remember that he was there all along, waiting for me... standing next to me and hoping for my return.

It is my hope that 2011 will bring with it a consistent dependency on Christ and the overarching stability that I so desire and long for. If anyone or anything can provide stability, I know God can. He's already brought me so many steps closer just today – this last day of 2010.